Jimmy Kimmel Roasts ‘Smug Bastards’ at Netflix for Troubles – The Hollywood Reporter

Jimmy Kimmel Roasts ‘Smug Bastards’ at Netflix for Troubles – The Hollywood Reporter

Jimmy Kimmel roasted the broadcast and streaming TV landscape at Disney’s annual upfront presentation on Tuesday, propelling his monologue despite battling a case of COVID-19.

Appearing at the event remotely, the late-night host delivered a searing stand-up routine at the company’s event to announcers in which he poked fun at traditional broadcast networks, including ABC, as well as Netflix, Disney+ and Amazon streamers.

Here are some of Kimmel’s best monologue jokes.

— “You know, every year I say ‘Fuck Netflix.’ And this year it came true. Netflix lost subscribers for the very first time; things are really tough there. They have layoffs today. I heard they couldn’t even bringing Emily back from Paris. Their solution to this subscriber shortage is to crack down on password sharing. Remember when Netflix openly encouraged us to share our passwords? We thought, ‘How do these do people make money?’ Turns out they don’t. So now they’re coming for our advertising money – just technically your money, but you know what I mean. And it sucks. Although I have to admit that after these smug bastards have suffocated our lives for years, it sure feels good to see them stoop to selling publicity. Bridgerton. How much do you think they’ll love when it’s interrupted by a tech commercial every four minutes, you billion dollar assholes? We already have Netflix with ads — it’s called Hulu. Shout out to Hulu, the Stephen Baldwin of streaming platforms.

– “NBC has only picked up one new drama, and it’s a reboot of the 59th most popular show from 1990. For real – quantum leap. They restart quantum leap and night yard. It’s not a fall schedule. These are the tapes you find in your dead uncle’s VCR.

— “Our odds are in the toilet right now. But with your financial support, it could be in one of those fancy Japanese toilets.

— “There are too many benefits to compete with: Disney+, Hulu+, Paramount+, Apple TV+. It’s a plus-ter-fuck. There’s even a Crackle+ there, and that’s no joke. Whoever thought we needed a Crackle+ must be smoking crack at home.

— “There are many who say that network television is dying. I’m not that optimistic. And yet, somehow, even though the ratings are down, TV ad spend was up 37% in the first quarter of this year. How is it possible? The more viewers we lose, the more money you give us. What kind of message does this send? »

— “Of course the streamers crush us. We’re a fax machine five years after they invented email.

— “The single person celebrates its 20th anniversary on our network. Many people ask how we will continue The single person franchise fees. The answer is very simple: we are not. We’re gonna keep doing the same shit until everyone gets herpes. Ask what’s next The single person it’s like asking what’s next for White Castle. It’s disgusting little burgers and crispy fries, what don’t you understand? »

— “Dancing with the stars was shoveled at Disney+. We are removing a show watched almost exclusively by seniors to a platform watched almost exclusively by children and adult virgins.

— “Hulu is on a roll. They have the Kardashians now, or the Kardashians have Hulu. I actually learned a lot from that show last week. I learned the difference between Big Dick Energy and Big Ball Energy. …I know this because “storytelling is at the heart of everything Disney does.”

“Fox didn’t even bother to post a fall calendar yesterday, which doesn’t make sense. Why even have an upfront? But what if CBS said, “Hey, we’re not going to put out a fall schedule.” If there is no fall schedule, how will we know if Blue blood is still on the air?

– “NBC paid nearly $8 billion for what turned out to be the lowest-rated Olympics of all time. I have to say, it’s surprising that viewers didn’t think that watching skiers doing jumps in the shadow of a deserted nuclear power plant was the feel-good story of the year.

— “One of the few new CBS shows has cast stars Marcia Gay Harden. Or, as they call her in Florida, Marcia Harden.

— “A Disney CEO has never spoken candidly before, and now we know why. Bob [Chapek]i think i speak for all of us when i say we look forward to seeing you in GI Jane 2.”

— “We may not have the Olympics, Young Sheldon or 14 shows about Chicago – but do you know what we have? Nathan fucks Fillion. The man your mother would kill your father for in the blink of an eye.

— “We just want you to spend your money with us, and if you don’t, I’ll be dead of COVID for no reason.”

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