You know what time it is: time to dive into another viral and compelling Am I The Asshole Reddit thread.
In case you’re unfamiliar with r/AmItheAsshole, it’s a place where people share their stories and ask if they’re wrong in certain (often juicy) situations.
This thread, from u/Fuzzy-Pen-1457 (which will henceforth be referred to as OP, for Original Poster), has to do with a man who got mad at her for letting him buy her drinks all night.
Let’s go. Here’s the story, according to OP: “My friend ‘Grace’ invited me to a board game bar to play and have a drink with her, her boyfriend and one of their friends, ‘Nick’.”
We went for drinks for two, Grace going with her boyfriend. Meanwhile, Nick and I stayed at the table and vice versa. So Nick and I had plenty of time to just talk to each other. Nick started the evening by telling me about his recent career change: he decided to quit his previous job, go to coding boot camp and get a job as a developer a month or two ago. . He was very proud of himself and his new salary, and told me that many times.”
But here’s the catch: OP is also a software engineer, which she neglected to share with Nick. “He never asked me what I do for work, but talked a lot about his new job, sometimes saying, ‘Sorry, you don’t understand that, haha.’ Throughout the evening, I never told him that I had been working as a software engineer for four years because he never asked me, and honestly, I found that a bit amusing.”
“As for the glasses, he invited me to all of them. ‘Don’t worry, it’s not a problem with my developer salary.’ I told him several times that he didn’t have to pay for me, but he insisted.”
However, things took a turn late in the evening as everyone said goodbye. Nick pulled out his phone to add the OP on Facebook and saw that she was also a software engineer. “He asked me if it was true that I was a software engineer, and I said yes. He asked me why I hadn’t told him, why I let him think I was a cashier like Grace was (I never implied that), and why I let him pay for everything when I probably earn more than him.”
“I told him he never asked once and it was his fault, he assumed. He could have just asked me about my work, but he only wanted to brag of his. But if he wanted to, I could reimburse him for the drinks.”
“He was mad and said I made a fool out of him. I think he did it, not me. But now Grace and her boyfriend are also on his side, saying that it wouldn’t have cost me anything to tell him early in the evening and I only kept it to myself, for my own entertainment.”
People were quick to give their thoughts in the comments. Many felt this one was on Nick for not letting OP get a word on the edge:
“Just maybe if he had bothered STFU for five seconds and asked her what she did for a living, he would have found out they had something in common and could have had a real conversation with OP.”
“He was so focused on bragging about his work that he never bothered to stop and ask about his. IMO paying for drinks is just a dick tax for having had to listen to it all night, it sounds obnoxious.(But offering to pay for it back was a considerate gesture, and if it was strictly about the money, it should have been enough to avoid further drama) . »
Others pointed out that this is (unfortunately) nothing new for women in tech:
“Poor OP was in a no-win situation. Shut up and listen to him brag, or say she’s a software engineer with four years of experience and be accused of emasculating, belittling his accomplishments or having sex with the bosses to get his job.”
“As a fellow software engineer, I know what it is and would have done the same. I’ve sat and listened to men bragging about what they do and how much they earn, and offer to buy me drinks at events we’re at… Frankly, if their self-esteem is based on their work and they haven’t asked about yours (I would also tell them that if they asked for it, they never do it), then they deserved it.”
Some couldn’t help but note the sexism of it all:
“You didn’t ask him to pay for your drinks, and you told him he didn’t have to. He insisted. He was being sexist assuming you didn’t have a job that would put you on the line. comfortable (especially comfortable enough to buy your own drinks!). He bragged and boasted – only to learn he was making a fool of himself.”
And finally, one person pointed out that Nick pretty much revealed himself the second he did everything for him:
“If they were talking for several hours and he never asked OP about their work, that’s a huge red flag.”